When I was young and serving in the military, I had the misfortune and stupidity to wind up in a marriage I should never have been in. The woman I married was one of those types who frequent places near military posts where soldiers hang out in the hopes of marrying a soldier... what is often referred to as modern-day camp-followers. There are some types of women who do such things for various reasons and in this case she was one who sought a meal-ticket; a husband who would liberate her from an unhappy life living with her family and give her the security of an allotment check. I was a soft-hearted type of guy and married her all the while knowing that it was a mistake, but could not bring myself to break her heart. I always was the type who would bring home stray dogs and cats and injured animals hoping to make things right, and this was a similar thing. Predictably, that marriage lasted a very short time.. roughly 100 days. By the time we parted it was, I think, a relief to both of us. However, that marriage resulted in consequences that nearly ruined my life. I am telling this part of the story only to give the reader an understanding of why it is that at a later time I was very reluctant to marry again; especially until I was certain I actually did love the person I was marrying and vice-versa.
A few years later I met Melany, who I am now married to. We dated for a couple years. She still tells me to this day that she knew she was in love with me from the moment we first kissed. In any event, I was naturally gun-shy about getting into a marriage again even when she became pregnant. But she never pressured me. She felt that the surest way to drive me away would be to have tried to pressure me into marriage; and she was probably right. We had, in fact, broken up by the time she had our first son. I was so stupid. I can only point to my previous experiences and my youth as an explanation for it. Not long after our first son was born, I was across the country in California hoping to make some change in my life to get it going in a good direction; but that turned out to be a flop and I returned to Missouri not long after. When I returned I encountered her, and when she asked me if I would like to see our son I took her up on the invitation. Seeing her again, with him, had a strong effect upon me, and I asked her to marry me soon after that. We set a date, a couple months later, to get married; and meanwhile she and Justin moved in with me. I have always carried the regret that I did not marry her much sooner, and was not there for her when our son was born. It is a regret I carry to this day. I did not appreciate at that time just how precious every moment was that I could have spent with them.
Our wedding date was set for December 20th. On December 11th, 1987, the worst day of my life; we awoke, and she went to check on the baby as I got dressed. That was when I heard a scream that I can still hear and will never forget. Somehow, at the moment of that scream I knew instantly what I was about to find out. She came running back into the bedroom crying "Oh my baby!! Go look at my baby!!!". I told her to stay put and went into his room. I turned him over and at that moment I could tell that it was too late; that he had passed away some time during the night. Having had experience with dead people before, I knew it was way too late. I loaded her into my car and took her to my parents whose house was only about 100 yards away. My mom had seen me come tearing up the road, skidding to a stop in the yard and asked what was wrong, and I told her Justin was dead and to look after Melany.
Not knowing what to do I drove into town to the Sheriff's office to report what had happened (we did not have a phone). While I was there somebody ran to the cafe down the street where my father was having coffee and told him that he needed to come to the Sheriff's office; that I was there and something very bad was wrong. I was in a daze and felt like I was in the middle of a very bad dream; nothing seemed real. When my dad came into the office and asked me what was wrong I told him "Justin is dead, dad". He got me back into the car, and we rushed back to the cabin. I will never forget my dad, leaned over the side of the crib, patting my son and crying "Come on baby, please baby, breathe". I have never seen my father like that before or since. I had to pull my dad away and I picked Justin up in my arms and carried him as my dad drove us back to the Sheriff's office. A deputy, who later became one of my closest friends, tried valiantly to perform CPR but after a while I tapped him on the shoulder and when he looked up, I shook my head. He looked down at Justin, saw I was right, and that was then end. We buried our son 3 days later; on the day he would have been 2 months old. Melany was absolutely falling apart and I had to try to be strong for her; it was not until many months later that I was ever able to cry about it. We were later informed that he had passed away around 1a.m., and that he had died of SIDs. Perhaps it is wishful thinking- a way to rationalize why such terrible things could happen - but we believe that every life exists to serve a purpose. We have come to believe that Justin was born to bring us together, and once that happened... once he had achieved what God brought him into this world for... the Lord called him home to him.
Well, we considered postponing the marriage, and I remember her family had made comments among themselves about how they did not believe I would marry her now. I do not blame them for thinking so, but the truth is that by that time I DID love her and knew it. But I felt that after such a thing had happened, that the last thing Melany needed was for it to be delayed. I hoped that by us going thru with the wedding plans that perhaps it might give her some small measure of comfort. So, we were married 9 days after the death of our son. Ever since then, Christmas time has always been bittersweet for us.
Over the next couple years, I reenlisted and she became pregnant two more times. The first time turned out to be a tubal pregnancy and we were informed that it would be impossible for the baby to come to term, or even close, and that attempting to do so would likely result in her inability to have children again. The second time, something similar occured, as the egg had embedded itself into a hole in her uterus that was the result of her first pregnancy which was a very difficult one. Both pregnancies had to be terminated. We were crushed, and began to wonder if we would ever be able to have a child. I began to wonder if God was punishing me, though I could not imagine any reason why God would be punishing Melany too.
About 4 years into our marriage, she became pregnant once more. At first, everything seemed to be going smoothly and we were overjoyed. Then blood tests were performed and they told us it had a very high protein count. We did not know what that meant so they explained to us that it meant some sort of birth defect was likely. They told us that the greatest likelihood was that it was Spinal Bifida or "open spine". They told us what that was and showed us pictures of children born with it and showed how such children were paralyzed from the point of the defect on down. They told us what a great burden it would be to have such a child and urged us very strongly to have it aborted. We refused to do so. Come hell or high water, we were going to have this baby if it were at all possible and deal with whatever burdens came with it. A couple of months later, when the baby had developed enough for them to see what was happening with an ultra-sound, they gave us good news and bad news. They were able to see right away that it was not Spinal Bifida but that he did have a condition known as Gastroschesis. It is similar to Spinal Bifida in that there is an opening that should have closed, but instead of being on the spine it was in the abdomonal wall around the umbilical cord. We went to specialists, and they arranged for him to be born by Caesarian Section at the University hospital in Columbia Missouri.
This time, I was sitting by her side holding her hand as they opened her belly, and I watched as they took him out and he drew his first breath. I could see that he had some small loops of intestines hanging out, and they immediately took him to the next operating room where they had a team prepared to operate on him. He spent the next 8 weeks in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit hooked up to all sorts of monitors, wires, breathing tubes, and a tube in his belly where he was being fed. My wife, once she was recovered enough to leave her hospital bed, only left his side when she had to sleep. Over those 8 weeks I had to return to duty but made 11 trips to Columbia, 450 miles each direction. I think that by the time it was over I could probably have started the car and it could find it's own way to Columbia. We were both exhausted by the time we were able to bring him home, but it was the happiest day of our lives. We spent 4 more months feeding him thru the tube and his entire first year keeping an eye on his heart monitor which was used as a precaution since he had already had a sibling die from SIDs or Sleep Apnea. Over the first 6 months or so that monitor went off numerous times. Usually the sound of the monitor shrieking was enough to wake him and snap him out of it.. starting his heart and breathing again. A couple of times we had to gently shake him, and once had to perform infant CPR. But that finally passed and by the end of the first year he no longer needed the monitor. My wife and I had blood tests done and they determined that we both had particular genetic markers which indicated that we each could have married a million other people and have no problems; but us together were almost guaranteed to have such problems with our babies. They also determined that my wife had so much damage as a result of the pregnancies that she could not likely ever have a child again, and that trying to would put her at great risk; so we had her tubes tied.
Our son is our miracle baby. We have prayed countless times, giving thanks for the blessing that was given to us. He is the one and only living son we have, or ever will be able to have again. We are so thankful that we made the choice not to have that pregnancy terminated. We often wondered if there would be long term consequences to his health... stunted growth or such... but those worries were not to be borne out, and he is now a healthy, 6'1" tall young man, who is serving in the U.S. Army, and a God-loving young man of fine character whom we are very, VERY proud of.
Thank you, Lord, for giving me such a wonderful wife. I am unworthy of her, and feel I am blessed far beyond anything I deserve. I love her more and more every day. Thank you also, Lord, for the blessing that is our son. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
(In memory of our beloved son, Justin Daniel R. Oct 13, 1987 - Dec 11, 1987... and dedicated to the Lord, in whose loving embrace he now resides)
